belladailylifenotyetlived.com

Hi all welcome back to my blog i hope everyone is doing well and staying safe,

Iv wanted to write this personal post for a while, it might be a little strange and out there to talk about but just know I’m fine I’m just going through the aftermath of cancer and it comes in waves and my mind wanders to the strangest places. It’s hard to talk about and be open, just putting yourself out there for the world to judge but I know there will be people who have gone through what I’m going through and might find some comfort knowing they’re not alone.

I’ve been really lucky, I feel like somebody was watching over me this year cause as bad as it was it could have been worse. But it does make me think, what I would want if it goes the other way, If the worst had happened or were to happen, that might sound really morbid but its how you think, it’s where your mind always goes and with all the restrictions lately I’m getting more alone time than usual so my minds constantly going it’s pretty overwhelming at times.

What kind of person am i ?

What have i left behind?

It’s a weird feeling to be in this position where these are real questions I need to ask myself …. How have I lived… but that’s where I’m at.

Like everyone I have days were, I’m not feeling great and I think the worst, that’s where this dialog comes from cause I’m not quite recovered mentally, physically yes! but the fear of the “what-ifs” is always in the back of your mind. I know there are people who think they know me and who I am as a person based on other people’s opinions of me, it’s not something iv ever lost sleep over iv done the same thing to others it’s what we do, but now I look at it as what I’m leaving behind…. this false impression. My biggest regret is iv done it myself, iv made my mind up about people, and iv treated people a certain way based on that very thing.. what others were saying in my ear you know ” for my own good” and now these are the little thing that plays on my mind that before cancer would never have crossed it. You analyze the decisions you’ve made and what kind of person you’ve been. I guess if it can take anything from these experiences is I can be a better version of myself going forward which is something I have actively been trying to do these past few months.

This is one of many chapters I’m working my way through its a process. I do in some ways feel like I’m on borrowed time and I want to live it to the fullest and live it well.

Thank you for reading and following I really appreciate it, I hope you can take something positive from it, I’m trying to. leave me comments and let me know what you think. If you would like blog updates please subscribe. xx Paula xx

If you haven’t check out my youtube channel please do ill leave it link below, please give it a follow, I will be adding more personal stuff soon.

bella daily youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxJYIm700JLbnd0Ceka3X_Q